I've been interviewing for jobs lately, and I've actually really enjoyed the interviews, simply because I've been able to have intelligent, adult conversation. No one is screaming at me about wanting to do something himself, no one poops their pants at the conference room table, and an accomplishment is seen in increased revenues and prospect identification rather than making it through Target without a tantrum. The offices are clean, there aren't any cloth diapers lingering near the toilet, needing to be sprayed, and when you leave, you don't step on any Lego's, which are the worst kind of hurt possible.
I'm not built for this. I don't know how any humans are. For the parents who do this, and not only survive, but enjoy every moment of it and feel great at the end of the day...good for you. You are amazing, and strong, and I applaud you. Me, on the other hand...I've gained 10 pounds of the baby weight back after losing it. I haven't worked out since my first trimester with Humphrey. I haven't slept more than 6 hours straight in 11 months. At the end of the day, after putting Edison to sleep, my body crumbles, and on most days, the most I can do is grab a beer, slink into the recliner, and vegetate for an hour or two before going to bed. The kitchen is a war zone, there are six loads of laundry on the couch, and the cats may or not have been fed some time this week.
At the same time, I give a whole lot to the kids, as all parents should. I am with them 24/7 (give or take a few hours when they sleep...and with Humphrey, it's never more than a few hours at a time). We go to the beach, to the mall, to the park, to the bay...wherever Edison decides, really. I wear Humphrey in the Ergo and give Edison a piggyback, and sweat the extra 50 pounds hanging off of me. And we have quality time. SO MUCH quality time. I feel fortunate that I've had this time at home with them, so that we could really get to know each other so well (I went back to work after 6 weeks when Edison was born, so this is foreign territory).
Because of my own needs and professional selfishness, I am hoping this quality time won't last forever. I need grownups and tangible goals and alone time. Maybe the right job isn't here yet, and that's okay. In the mean time, starting Monday, I will interview and hire a babysitter and join Weight Watchers. Maybe even take a really long, really hot shower. Or get a massage.
I am a little down in life right now, because my body and my heart have been committed to someone other than myself for more than three years (literally...we got pregnant the week after Edison weaned). BUT...I am not out. It's time to regain control of my body and my life!
